Ok it’s the 15 of April and I waited too long to get it done. You know one of the “big two” in life: taxes and death. No I’m not dead… So it must be tax time.
I get my papers and a handful of coffee beans and get down to work. Should be done in no time. “Unsinkable” like the Titanic crew said… This should be a breeze.
I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
I try to log on to my previously saved session with the tax software on-line. Wrong password the computer screams at me – over and over and over. Crap. I finally find out that the password I was using was from last year. Ok, right password and I’m in. Only to be “out” five minutes later because the “secure session” only lasts five minutes if you don’t do something… Crap. So I try to keep everything moving from time to time. I feel like I am taking the SAT test all over again. “TIME” I hear someone yell in the back…
Finally get all the data the computer geeks and IRS want into the system and it’s time for review. The tax software gives me a big computer hug by telling me I am OK. I’m OK, You’re OK (I read that book too). Anyway, now it’s on to print out a copy for myself. But before I can do that a big “Danger Will” pops up on my computer telling me I have about 30 seconds to plug into the wall because my battery is dying. CRAP. “Run Forrest Run” my brain screams… Heather have you seen the computer power strip? (She always knows where I hide my stuff… amazing). OK…power is good and now I can print.
No printer attached. CRAP.
Heather where is the printer? She produces it. I plug it in and Shazam! My computer is NOT set up for that printer. No problem, I’m a geek – I can fix that. I get on-line to download the driver. Easy. It’s about 40MB and my connection is R E A L L Y slow. Did I mention the R E A L LY slow part?
CRAP. And oh by the way, my secure session with the online tax software is gone. (Remember the 5 minute rule)? Start the download and it takes F O R E V E R. I finally get the printer driver loaded and the printer set up. Long delay. CRAP.
Time to sign back on to the internet and print. I can’t get on… It’s 5:30 in the afternoon of the 15 of April and the entire West Coast is logging on to do THEIR taxes too. CRAP. As I watch the browser on the computer load my information from the tax dudes my brain is watching each and every bit and byte of geek data come across space and land on my computer hard drive. Excruciating pain indeed – but fun to watch if you are a geek.
As I said – What could possibly go wrong now?
I print out the eight sheets of tax data and it’s on to mailing them out. Heather have you seen the envelopes? Of course – in the desk. Same place as the last three times I asked her. I get the envelopes and notice a strange oily substance on them. CRAP. What could that possibly be? I don’t really want to know at this point because we are on hour four of just trying to get these documents completed, downloaded and printed. The mystery envelopes go into the trash. We find more…
What could possibly go wrong at this point?
I need to sign my return after reviewing it. NO pen…anywhere I can see. HEATHER! CRAP. Finally get a pen (Heather again) and sign it. Need to staple my “keeper” copy. Heather have you seen the… She has it in her hands before I finish my sentence this time.
No staples in the stapler (CRAP) Heather is watching me with the empty stapler. I simply look at her and she hands me another one. She is loving in that way. Also insert here that we just watched “Office Space” again in the last week or so and it was extra funny at this point. Got my copy stapled and finally put Uncle Sam’s in his envelope.
As a reward we decide to have some very special “lemon zest” cheese we hand-picked from the Tillamook cheese factory two days ago. We discover the expiration date is only a couple of days away….Should we eat it? (Pause and thinking goes here…) We do. BUT not until we can finally manage to get it open. We did not know that the Tillamook cheese factory places super duty mondo extra hard plastic (kevlar?) around the product to protect it from cheese zombies like us… We resort to “killing” it with a knife to get it open. A little too zesty for me but the cheese story will have to wait.
Stamp is on the envelope and it is done. Into the mail box it goes …
We can’t wait until next year.
Heather loves doing taxes.
And on a wierd good note (we TRY to be positive here) Heather managed to put the exact amount of paper we needed to print both our returns. 16 pages. Exactly.
Kewl… There is a God.